what sucks the most of this blog is having around 3000 readers a month. Cloudflare says it's around 7000 but i'm counting more than half as bots. the internet says 30% but i don't believe. it sucks because i never recieved an e-mail or a message on my Matrix profile. it seems no one wants to befriend but rather read my lonely events. i'm not bitter. when i created this blog it was a mix of Giovanna is aware that this space exist with some hope of me publishing poems about the beauty in life till i finish qob. it didn't lasted long. of course i'm cynical and i have a lot of critique. how do you think most vegans feel towards society? i know i can't speak beyond myself but i guess that's pretty much it, alright?

my last contacts with old friends were questions if i gave the vibe of a narcissus. after i return from my trip i felt i was hugely boring but i was also bored about my friends. sometimes i wonder why i barely have feedback on stuff i do. it feels i live on a reality where i don't exist properly and most stuff i put out there is dismissed because i'm a bitter person. i also don't believe i live on this reality as i also understand i'm pretty chill. i quit a vegan community once because someone asked when debating people who eat meat, they shouldn't mention they were morally superior. i mean, i get it if we could rank stuff i wouldn't be surprised that not abiding to animal death when you reach your plate is the right thing to do. i'm thin, i always were (even when i ate meat probably 6 times a week with my parents, if not everyday). i was never strong but i always had a great deal of stamina. it's not rare to me go to the museum and then walk 10-12 kilometers till some bus terminal to slowly teleport the remaining 6 kilometers or so to my parents house. it doesn't stress my body at all. since 2017 (the year i went vegan) my annual blood exams were always okay. i swallowed the 2 times they called veganism "extremist" on a family meeting. for me it's the bare minimum but i remained quiet. some days from this post i was on a birthday that had around 20 main plates. i could only eat white rice and then i discovered the stirr-fried vegetables had only olive-oil. initially i got silently sad (but i vented on the vegan group) but near the end of the party i was having a good time. some kid called me uncle because my bald hair. i was hoping there was some girl of my age but all i could find was an early 20s that. ah. it would never work out. funny how she looked like a tiny magnet when i reached the dancefloor with some funny steps towards my parents to annouce i would leave the place. i don't think i can extract much fun towards cover bands with non measured loudness levels at the dancefloor. maybe some weird electronic timbres. i don't even enjoy electronic dance music. WHERE'S THE MODULAR SYNTH SCENE IN BRAZIL. my parents house is cold. rarely we turn on the 2 big AC units to heat it up evenly, we mostly tolerate temperatures of 16 °C without much hassle. sometimes i turn the heat on my bedroom because i notice my mood feels like shit with too many cold days in a row. when i was living in the woods i had to turn on the heater everyday. that thin wood house sometimes got into the 8 °C by the late morning with the sun shining. lately i feel bad in lots of days and ways. today i turned the living room heater (which spreads to my bedroom) and it was 18 °C. i walk towards the kitchen, i wash the dishes. i cook vegetables. i eat pasta with miso. i ferment garlic. i ferment eggplant. i microwave mushrooms. i often wish i could just wait Giovanna without feeling bad and without expectation. now that she's married basically receiving the best e-mail of my life will never happen. i also don't have much hope Kathie will answer my friend request. i feel an unsatisfied kid that wants to jump to Ardour and the dozens of neat VST and LV2 plugins to compose my game's soundtrack but Csound and my cheap instrument design feels a perfect fit for the art style. Cardinal, Stochas, Orca (by 100r.co) and Plugdata feels such a huge potential to just lie around and try stuff. once i was in the outdoors with my laptop trying to get a sound that reminded some type of tree branch movement and doing that with Csound felt so poor compared to the shiny GUI stuff. my lack of understanding also plays a role. Csound is so versatile and precise. i wanna be pround i didn't succumbed to the MIDI protocol and used something more sophisticated like N-sound technology that dates back the 80s but it's so much more rich. fuck the piano-roll and fuck all the white and black sharp keys. i'm ranting again. please someone teach me how it's like to have friends again. i can't stand my own skin and that's all i have. i don't know where to put myself but i can parse some Kvalue to an instrument via chnget and it has been at least 2 weeks i didn't touched my tracker's codebase. will i pendulum between adopting Ardour's workflow and a custom solution that has so many holes to be fixed and so many holes to drill like i still pendulum on my wish to forget Mike's and play Dota2 and Borderlands. AAAAAAAAAAA. they weren't lying when they said you either create a video-game or the tools to create it. i can't even work properly. guess soon i'll start to flirt hard into exploiting my EU passport and go live homeless doing volunteer somewhere with a funny language and qob won't have any expectation to exist after a decade of development