1° of all, go play Passage! it literally take less than 5 minutes to beat the game even if you don't move. cheers Jason Rohrer if you'll ever read this blog

now some memories: i discovered about this game when my computer was a Raspberry Pi 4. Raspbian (or i installed extra packages), shipped with it at the repository. i downloaded and played. it was late at night and i cried. the perception of time always stuck with me. like being really young and decide serious stuff like "i don't want children" and "maybe i should be single forever" (i already felt sexual tension towards women when i was 6 or 7 years old). believe or not. i knew what masturbation was. may circuits protect children with personal computers and dial-up internet at their bedroom. hehe

right now i feel i can't create but rather remember but this blog is also made for me. EXCUSE ME MANDOLINA CUPFEE. Pi4. the machine i was minding into putting into a waterproof case and hook some GPS module and make my expedition computer. i was already a bicycle courier that time. so at least i was 21 or 22 years old. my previous computer was a laptop that had it's GPU melted into the motherboard and the only way to make it work was to boot Linux. i felt such a nerd by installing stuff via apt even though my 1° contact with Linux was years before with my first portable computer. had an Intel Atom processor. installed Mint seeking a better performance. that machine was a disappointment on the gaming side. couldn't even run Minecraft properly (~ alpha days). even my first desktop, a Pentium IV could run it better. i was stuck with old games and i was near the middle of Brazil. on a hostel by the beach. amazing place. we were the last private property. from there, we had a natural reserve of 24 kilometers long. a raw beach. from time to time i walked there by the starlight and found some wild cat going into the ocean to take a bath. Patricia made me jump from a rock that almost put us a kilometer from the coast. she was a pretty good swimmer. we never kissed but that day was quite close. what would we do beyond tickling each other in the ocean on a remote beach. she was almost a decade older than me. i don't know what prevented us. i went down to Buenos Aires expecting she would appear from Uruguay (was visiting her sister who lived there). when she said she wouldn't come i packed my things in desperation of staying for so long in such a big city (between a republic of cinema students, a familiar household and a hostel). i hate when they speak spanish so fast. i can read it. 100 years of solitude was read in Spanish (courier days) but i can't speak. that hostel on the beach was the perfect place to use my Atom laptop. i started playing Fallout 1 on a rainy day. Firrat, a dancer from Turkey, got interested. such a shame a few days after i went away from that place. on that same laptop i wrote a bunch of stuff about my feelings. i played Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis too. that was on my 1° volunteer. i arrived 2 weeks earlier out of miss-communication and the 1° day there was a super hot girl cleaning the old school. she was around my age. i felt so luck. a 400 habitant villa in the middle of nowhere with a baddie like her? she had a boyfriend. the 1° day there i drunk a distilled made of berries and smoked cannabis with my host's parents. which were already old on those days. i played Indiana Jones when the old school was already looking decent into it's late form: a hostel. i slept there. Talita (the old couple's daughter) kissed me on that place. we were cooking by the wood stove when i booted the game. such a long time since i played it. 1° time was at my desktop. probably some dad's friend gave me a CD with a bunch of stuff i had to play. Indiana Jones was there and it was hard and it was in English. i remember following a tutorial of Java when i got my first computer and throwing the dream of making a video-game out of the window because compiler errors were in English and searching about it gave me English results. i even tried modeling in a proprietary software to later give up out of their greed free-trial (shame i wasn't aware of Blender). i tried RPG Maker but despite being able to edit monsters status and items and levels, Lua scripting was so alien. poor 6 year old me. so many dreams to succumb into video-games and a bunch of VHS movies and music on the radio. i consumed stuff for so long and now all i can create is my past. farewell Pentium IV. farewell Intel Atom. farewell whatever AMD core i had on my previous laptop and farewell Pi4. all sold. nowadays i drive a Ryzen 5 with a Nvidia 1650 mobile. more power i'll ever need for long years. if at least i stayed at Unreal Engine. lately my GPU spins only when i play pinball. probably i don't boot it up nor update the git upstream of VPX for longer than 2 months by now. yesterday i received an e-mail of some creator of old tables via a forum message. thought they were dead already and their health isn't better. hope they share their historical arsenal of textures and photos of long gone pinball tables (circa 1930). it's history and i'm afraid they are the only holder of the registers. old pinball doesn't have flippers but it still so fun. the ball will always drain on modern tables but in older ones, you can at least land them into the high score holes but pinball is awesome because the ball will always go to the drain. it's game-over the moment you start the game and as i was typing, i was always tied to time. when very little i used to wonder at the dark and think why are we here and that one day i'll get old and die. sometimes i cried sometimes i felt anxious. most of the times it was a state of wonder. remembering what i possible thought about it, judging by the amount of distance i got from my childhood, is just a feeling. then my teen days started and i forgot about the time and i only started to remember on the week i gave up from my mountaineering dream. i signaled to my parents i was in need of at least 2 weeks to figure out what i would do. 2.5 years thrown away doing a blue collar job while all my friends either were already rich or better saying: set someway in life and most were finishing their university, put me down. at least i read a bunch of books waiting for deliveries. if wasn't for the books! Zofia pretty much nailed when she warned me books are portals to forget social needs. i think her hug, when she was going away, was the first time i felt stuff burning in my chest. one day we cycled in a storm. we went into this bar. some kilometers away from the house we were volunteering. a storm came in and they said they would close. we were drunk and young. Zofia was near the 30s. we cycled back facing lightning bolts in a flat coastal region. at some point we accepted maybe we would die. i could talk to that woman non-stop for hours. farewell Zofia i still have your surname memorized. guess i'll visit your farm and your family one day. shouldn't be that hard to find you. hi Mandolina! in the week i gave up from the mountain dream i brew coffee one night and started the sit-com Friends. it felt so weird those guys almost being my age with all they had. it was (and still) a mix of regret of not playing Capitalism and some sadness of not having friends as i was already disconnected from mine because veganism. judgment is my core personality trait according VIA and how funny, i accumulated 22 hours of active debugging and tinkering with AI last week. i'm hooked by this technology. it makes me feel impressed by computers once again. it makes me ignore how dirt that technology is. i don't know about art but i could revamp the render engine of the tracker and program 3000 lines easy as cycling a bicycle. i even asked a counterpoint with a tuning that divides an interval of 2:1 in 29 divisions just to check how powerful it was but thanks technology: at least novel art the machine left us to develop. i started to wonder about adding AI code into qob. i fear being ostracized and judged but to tell you the truth, i don't know if i care anymore. it's not like trillion of USD weren't invested and servers won't exist because of me and it's not like it's that bad to violate people's work. after all everyone eat meat and eggs! get a taste of the exploitation, sucker! i'm a sucker too but a vegan sucker because if there's slavery into the chain of rare minerals that are used in computers, i belong to the problem too and it's not like i fear myself straying from doing the good. i still maintain my idea of creating a pro-social company and living respectfully towards resources (i.e. frugally). maybe i fear being left behind. maybe i don't like programming that much or better: i don't know anything past the beginner level and the machine just do way better than me. look. i became a hypocrite. at least i know stuff i won't do, after all i'm an Arch Linux vegan user by the way

one of the days after quitting the mountain dream i decided to open Twitch.tv and check if i still could get pleasure of a forgotten hobby: video-games. i spent some solid years without a computer beyond my smartphone and then some time with a Pi4. what was going on with the scene. by chance i found a category named "Science and Technology" (now named "Software Development") and it felt much more attractive than "Call of Duty". Lana Lux was tweaking her game Don't Notice Me. guess in less than 3 days of watching her i asked my parents if i could stay home and develop a video-game and in the next weeks i tried to learn Lua and LOVE2D (a framework for creating video-games) and by mysterious mysteries, it was hard. my PC that time was a Pi4. bought a cheap and used monitor and i found some old keyboard and mouse somewhere in the house and in less than 2 months i gave up and went to work a thousand of kilometers away into the office of a GMO farm. didn't lasted long too. i was sure spreadsheets would render me headspace to reach home and develop my video-game, this time with my actual computer which could run UE and later Godot. Tim's software finally made me figure out what a function was. the book of Lua was too hard. maybe it wasn't meant to be read alone with zero programming experience or if i had the pedagogy knowledge i have. just keep doing and learning, at some point you'll start figuring out stuff even if it feels there isn't a horizon to look for. soon i figured out Godot was the right thing to use. guess dad obligated me into that. Unreal at some point came out to 5.x version and it was luring again. even Unity with the amount of tutorials made me re-think if i shouldn't install a Windows box. at some point i had to accept the moral choice and look at it now: Godot is rocking the world as one of the most active FOSS out there. thanks Lux for setting on my way. i sent you a message acknowledging that

today i brew coffee past midnight. i started to drift from the expected circadian-rhythm so i wondered what if i stay wake up all night. walked in circles while the kitchen heated up. broccoli and zucchini at the electric oven. rice, vinegar and miso at one of the pots and red lentils at the other. i wait for someone which will never appear, once again. this time much more mature. at least i'm putting on my blog and not filling her chatbox with hundreds of meaningless messages. what sucks the most about me is only being attracted to pretty girls. deep inside i would rather live alone than getting together with someone ugly. the very first girl i tried something, after more than half a year of friendship and a deep appreciation for her fairy-like way of living life, all i could think on the 2 weeks we stayed together as a couple on a summer break of uni. was how i couldn't feel a lover's pleasure on being with her. i looked at her and didn't felt attracted and before deciding how i would face the dilemma, i broke up with the extreme fear of luring her in a way or another to my hitchhike trip, which she never talked anything positive beyond a "you are crazy!". if she decided to go with me and anything happened i would never excuse myself. she got pretty mad why i threw everything without explaining why. took more than a year to restore our friendship and we took 2 or 3 years to decide it was time to let it fade away. after all she got in a long term relationship and i thought it was utterly disrespectful her move into kissing me the day we went grab some LSD for a blues festival with a friend that i never mentioned here but well, i guess it's time to register, XX was monogamous and that kiss could mean breaking with that guy... i rather stay alone if my lover don't make me feel their are the one! maybe i live in too much fantasy. i only talked to XX about why i broke our relationship without explanation less than 3 years ago. short chat on Instagram as it threw her profile and we chatted a bit. "i broke up with you because i feared something bad could happen if you decided to hitchhike and volunteer in unknown places with me". why do i have such an appreciation for beauty. if at least i was that much Mandolini Pretty. Tinder threw me some people i didn't felt attracted to but what can i do. i'm what i'm and i don't fear solitude. the girl with the LSD was someone i concluded to be untouchable when we were kids. pretty. model-like legs to body ratio. feminine voice. all i could do was to sound her (if she was a weirdo i wouldn't resist into not trying) (i remember when we used to participate in extra classes of basketball and the way she used her body against mine in games and when she was in my team always making strong passes) and when puberty started to hit everyone (i came much late than everyone), an older guy took her away and i concluded: now it's impossible. we ended exchanging physical letters at the last year of high-school. lasted some years. i remember thinking to myself when opening her first envelope: doesn't matter what happens, i don't want to get into the middle of her relationship with that older guy from school. a school lover was everything i wished for and i wouldn't ruin one just because she was pretty and maybe i had a chance. all the girls i tried either friendzoned me and my dumb self moved to the next crush or they had a crush in someone else. i think they were already separated by the time we started writing. every send and receive was sunny. she sent me a red filter cigarette once. i still remember the rainy day i burnt it and put my eyes into her calligraphy. pink pages. really feminine. later she turned into a great feminist. unfortunately she became a psychoanalyst and i started to let our friendship die and one day she grabbed me and kissed me on the rare days we physically hanged out. i remember calling her after hours in a cry-like state of resignation towards my own life. i wasn't spinning my mountain dreams for her (i would). she got mad and blocked me from Whatsapp. i tried to recover our friendship via e-mail. after all. positioning her as a friend made it so easy to ignore any sexual or monogamous fantasy. i lost my only and last friend and not long after i decided i would do this journey alone, (i was still in my early 20s) i grabbed a cup of coffee to stay wake late and my loneliness went away, Giovanna climbed my mind and nothing i reasoned or tried made me stop to think about her. why i couldn't forget a probably bland girl. i spent my 20s after someone who didn't liked me back. i spent great part of my 20s home alone and today i had a cup of coffee by the nighttime after reasoning about screwing my sleep schedule even though i don't have one. i'm not getting old but i'm at the end of my 20s and i'm creating posts to Mandolina Cupofcoffe. it sucks since it's just another delusion but it helps me pass the time