after around 2 years of not having IRL friends and i may say online ones other than casual conversations mostly about political stuff (i appreciate you people from vegan.pubsolar), also around the time i thought about finding a partner, i started to invent these fake conversations all the time. from a Giovanna that's always with me on the phone call, a Giovanna that's obsessive with me to the point i had to call the police if she keeps evading my parents house, a Giovanna that often visits me and we always have a good time (she's so loyal), to sporadic contacts with Maddie and a friend that's slowly sharing my gap: Quincy Oat Milk. it's interesting as is it's not a hallucination with real voices or clear dialogues via thoughts but rather a feeling. sometimes i have this for days in a row if not weeks and weeks. it's like an imaginary friend but with no much roleplay from my part, as i typed, i don't hallucinate or think it's hapenning really although i get lost on minding dialogues or events quite easily. that doesn't conclude much about anything on loneliness and it's one of the few times the reasoning for this doesn't or can't happen in words. i can't type what i think about it. it confronts with the ease i could deal with my loneliness before this started. i can't even enjoy myself with leisure. i try to delay stuff that i really wanna do, like getting a book about cloud spotting and spending time on the roof or go back much often on roaming into the mountains and even play a lot of pinball because i still hope i'll find someone and then i'll invite them to do these things and if they don't want to, i'm still hopeful they will show their hobbies so i can get into. i don't want to learn how to love something into my adulthood like getting addicted about synthesizers or learn how to cook and not having her trying too. because if it's to be like that it feels like marrying and i want a partner. i won't give up from my tinkering projects with electronics and i won't ever stop learning (i'm in my vertical farm podcast boy era) stuff but i want to be overjoyed with someone. i can wait a bit more. sometimes i wonder why vaginal tissue absorbs ejaculation hormones that have calming effects and how women can lactate and offer energy to someone get up and cook breakfast for them and why lactation helps lower breast cancer and how the breast size increase would play into the role of Giovanna's self-esteem that decided to put silicone and why bilateral salpingectomy also plays a role in the prevention of ovaries problems? are heterosexual or bisexual men and women built to be together if they don't want children?! sometimes i forget i'll keep breathing through my entire existence and i find myself alone wondering if i can help Quincy on a project that go through the history of fashion via collages videos on Tiktok or whatever the web-space and maybe we can tinker how to influence a slow down of fast fashion, as it's one of the worst offenders on micro-plastic pollution or if Maddie is up to create musical projects via incremetal files exchange in a non-timed-constrained (i wonder if there's a single word for that) manner or if Madeleine wants to exchange e-mails about ocean life or if i should KEEP WINNING WITH MY 812 HP 1999 NISSAN ON GRAN TURISMO 2! BABE WE ARE ALMOST BEATING THE GAME (12 HOURS OF GAME-PLAY SO FAR)