when my mother figured out the high art world wasn't for her (beautiful paints although, mom), my parents decided, as both worked now, to put me in an alternative school. nothing too crazy (guess because you can't be that crazy when dealing with such a business). once i arrived late and i caught my 3 friends in a staircase on break time. no one went to that spot. technically we couldn't be there. guess the teachers monitoring the mixed ages in the playground didn't made that a big deal. they were all with their pants off and sucking each one's dick. i look at that and one of them broke the silence and said join us, it's good. i said nah. i returned to the playground with the other kids. that school was nice. i remember we had a girl with mental disability on the class. my little friends were bisexual. we had feelings for the girl who took care of the entrance of the school. she was hot. the school closed it's doors and my parents moved me into a catholic one. had to get into a year previous than my actual age because what i learned on that school wasn't on pair with their schedule. looking back at it now, i kinda miss rejecting 2 different opportunities. one to go into a boarding school. suggestion i proposed after a conflict when i turned 14. i asked authorization to work as a minor apprentice as my birthday gift. they didn't allowed. i hated school so much. very few subjects interested me but the whole test/memorize thing is a freaking chore. i can't recall what was my logic of leaving my parents house to then be in a school all day long but then i retrieved my own proposal. guess i was mad at them and wanted to flee away. before, when we moved from the apartment, they suggested i studied in some place closer. maybe i would have some liberty like going into school by cycling! i was responsible to take my little sister from a nearby school in the neighbor and i did that with a bicycle. i loved mom's Bianchi. i had sporadic contact with gays in my school. to tell you the truth i can remember only one guy. he was hilarious and didn't lasted a year on that conservative hole. seriously, having heard hundreds of hours of pedagogy podcasts and probably a hundred of psychology, i may be mistaken but gender roles on the way they exist (at least in Brazil on the medium/upper class) are a freaking chore. i remember going into a party, for > 14 y/o people and even if we had access to alcohol and there was a bunch of pretty girls, that small club was scary. i felt a tiny dot in the middle of a bunch of monkeys. guys just grabbed girls and pulled them to their body. that was the way you meant you wanted to kiss someone. the dancefloor was basically that. the walls nearby was full of people kissing each other. it felt like a sexless giant orgy of teens. walls were wet. i felt so offended by organizing a small circle which we one by one hopped inside to make some funny dance moves and then a girl which didn't looked pretty was instantaneously rejected to participate by the guys. i would never kiss her but wtf. gender roles makes me nauseous. yes there's difference in generic areas of brain samples of women and men in any population or at least as far as i payed attention to neuroscientists in podcasts. yes there are differences of learning on girls vs. boys in school pointed by serious pedagogic research but giving the malleability of the brain (you can find someone behaving like a wolf if they were raised by wolves) it's such a freaking stretch and lack of sensibility those isles of boys and girls schools and even universities have. in your 20s: beyond feeling like a joke, it's sad so many have to abide to this shit. probably Giovanna is this type of women. i would comply. Quincy is probably like that and i would follow up a serious try. to tell you the truth most who go out of their way to be non-binary also gets me an ick. if your gonna waste your energy complying with an expected behavior why not one which unifies genders (good luck being straight and white on lots of LGBT+ online communities)? i'm not a libertarian which think it wouldn't be beneficial to have specialized treatment on schools for boys and girls and whatever in between. once i listened to a very inspiring podcast about a woman which found specific methods to treat suicidal trans-women and these weren't as effective in cisgender samples but when you start hard defining others, it feels just like one of my posts shoveling why you don't accept veganism as the bare minimum. later on i was volunteering in the house of a gay Swiss guy which had a property in the middle of nowhere. he was one of the most inspiring people i ever lived with. we played Yahtzee and we talked about spirituality, he flirted with me all the time. i can't feel a thing for men but his points were pretty much well crafted and after that, i asked closed friends if they had feelings for me, because the way we behaved (basically all days together) and the intimacy we shared, didn't that made us gays? funny to think the time they found girls to date, there was a hiatus between our hangout frequency. one day i talked to a very liberal couple i knew about my doubts and fast forward, after drinking like machines on a random day, her girlfriend and another gay friend were probably waiting for me decide on that apartment if we would have sex but after my lips touched one of them i soon i realized that was a good-bye. i grabbed my things and thought i went too far because of George. after all anything like a finger in my prostate despite feeling good is such an uncomfortable feeling, even if a hot woman is doing it. 2 fingers is too much. imagine a dick of a gene expression i never made distinction on the companion, even thought on families meeting i always felt the women's table more interesting but boy, the genitalia, the timbre of the voice, the days she's in pain because stuff bleeds and hurts and my obligation of helping, the freaking boobs and the curves. sometimes i wish i was gay and didn't cared about looks too so i could be in love in every corner, big belly guys, gay shaved guys, fat single moms, short legs women, short in height ugly women. i walk with myself this afternoon, with disgust of some preferences that if lied to myself, i would be lying to myself. like saying i still don't wish a good journey to a girl who funded a non-vegan restaurant and will probably marry someone else. like i would be able to cut contact with my family because they aren't vegan. as i don't feel pleasure and get inspired by a society which finds okay to exploit some, to make some rich. to make boys do boys things and girl girl things

once i had fun making jokes about being straight in a gay oriented hostel i volunteered but the ideal scenario would be humor being about natural ways of being and not comparisons of molds we have. just like i enrolled for the position not caring i wouldn't be with my tribe of Arch Linux vegan users by the way. any girl can do what boys are and if in epoch 30 i was questioned if i would enroll blindly in a job position which my manager is a woman or another which the manager is a man, i would chose the woman one without a freaking doubt by what i heard about psychology and pedagogy so far but go fuck yourself and your non-questioned if it's pro-social gender role