mom said leave no trace, i questioned: what if giovanna is stalking me
why do i declare myself atheist?
to not comply on most, if not everyone, thinking i'm complacent to religious organizations or collective beliefs (which on my opinion are pretty suggestive, specially as a tale passed from generation to generation)
i feel luck from getting interested in meditation around high-school. never talked about it to anyone. never talked about my depression. i never recieved a diagnostic and boy, my psychiatrist was good. she was so cool and smart. my life was falling down. everyone on that school, from people with financial aid to rich people already knowing what to do. i was sitting in between of everything in between. having to decide a profession for the rest of my life felt like a hallucinatory joke from the adult world but everyone was so serious about it that every day i entered the class, specially at the last year of high-school, i drowned. i had my 1° panic attack. was at parent's house, a dreadful feeling started to grow, soon i was spiraling in a tinnitus that started out of nowhere and one of my hydras was sure i would get into a psychotic state and suicide, without wanting because i didn't liked living but it wasn't that much. i never had psychosis. i'm sure i'm a lovefool. i managed to sit down at the living room (i was high of cannabis too), i played a documentary of a girl who cycled around Australia. it was hard. i was breating with all my attention, trying to push away any thought, while i payed attention to the screen. those trucks passing by the women were insane. tons and tons of Eucalyptus trunks being hauled. when she was questioned why she was doing this and she said something like "nothing like following your dreams" i burst in tears. the strange feeling was gone. i went to the psychiatrist the next day. mom insisted i stayed home after that and i was like: no, i'll go to school and face my demons among the civilization. in one of the last classes of the day, i started to feel bad and had a tunnel vision. was in a chemistry class (i liked my teacher, specially when we went to a trip to an island and by not having proper friendship with no one at that class, i stayed with the teachers and for the 1° time, there was no filters between us, so conversations were wild. i hated chemistry classes. maybe if we synthesized psychedelics and ingested them in the classroom i wouldn't. or maybe molecular gastronomy! if baking a bread isn't enough chemistry or lacto-fermenting food) and i had to get out with some justification i wasn't feeling well. at the hospital i received intravenous anxiolytic and after 2 seconds i started bursting in laugh. all my agony was gone. i was ready to rock the world. mom got mad. STOP IT, YOU LOOK LIKE A NUT. i controlled myself and after some sessions i was diagnostic with a generalized anxiety disorder. took meds for a year and then i quit on the 1° 3 weeks of my hitchhike trip (was already lowering it down to stop it). i never had any other panic attack. knowing what's going on and how to meditate is powerful poison. i was serious about my meditation. even went to Vipassana. let me type a funny story. i was in this program. 10 days, absolute silence. we woke ~ 4:30 with a bell i still amazed how silent it was and how it woke me every freaking day. i'm not a morning person. we couldn't look at the eyes of anyone there, couldn't talk, nadie. no computers, smartphones, books, notebooks, pens. zero distractions. 3 meals a day and various sessions of meditating on the temple and around 19:00 or 20:00 we reunited once again to listen to lectures about meditation. back in the days (Vipassana) sold themselves as an agnostic organization. on the 3° day they started to shovel Buddhism beliefs and i was bored. one of the days, i was at the boys dorm (because women and men had to be separated i don't know why but i would know how i would get distracted by those delicious smells of women treating their skin without makeup and other nasty stuff and just biodegradable soap. kidding i can't detect pheromones but i know their importance. decent decision if the demographic was 100% straight). so one of the guys farted. till, fine. then a 2° guy farted. and a 3°. funny but we didn't laughed but there was a shift in the breathing rate, we were at least smiling. i reunited power (i had to) and managed to fart too. then we laughed. probably echoed the whole area. it was on the middle of the rainforest. i love that absolute silence that's not silence but something else. on the 6° day i managed to find a pen, wrote stuff on the toilet papers and glued them on all the mirror of the bathroom. i flee away from the place with my backpack but had to return and ask the master to return my cybershot camera and my smartphone. i found the idea of trepassing their house (where all the electronic were) too much. he probably didn't knew about my little piece (i wrote the stuff and then leaved), just said i'm welcome back. i guess they would still accept me, we had a brief talk before the program started and i talked about my motives on leaving with that guy. he was pretty chill. i was 19 and everyone there was past their 30s. my toilet papers were questions and critiques about the organization agnosticism and Buddhism beliefs. i think it's fine to extract teology to yourself but don't start a religion. allow yourself to be amazed by what life is and is not or most importantly since we are typing about religion: what you can't prove. extras only with proper scientific replication and rigor. it gets over the border when you believe rice out of the fridge won't rot by saying nice words everyday... some institutions are still up with their million USD prizes if you can prove these bugigangas (there's nothing to do with giovanna but it's a cute word that reminds me giovanna) and little child stories. i believe and appreciate positive psychology. one of my favorite podcasts was run by a very prominent scientist that studied and made a bunch of research on the field
sometimes 2 megapixel can't take you very far. the top purple part is some abberration by the lenses, the orange part righ below it's a nebula. i don't know about astronomy so excuse me but it's something far away. pretty easy to spot in any more or less remote place. that was close to the highway but the place is distant enough of a big center. the 2 orange things at the right side are clouds. i walked 29.2 kilometers (would be more if i didn't got a rare hitchhike at the road that enters the park. it's quite long... one worker was leaving his night shift on his car. he took me into the nearby city), i climbed 811 and went 1718 meters downhill. had to access the park from the back of another park (where this photo was taken) because the guard didn't like i was arriving 22:00 and i never made that trail before. that cost me some kilometers. i spent 2 nights wondering around. i healed a bit
1° camping spot. finally i arrived. was around midnight. set camp, made rice, lentils, brew some tea and when i was at the 2° brew, already used to starlight, so it was me and the "dark". i remembered why i was there. i stopped what i was doing. i became myself. i cried. so much agony on realizing that after giovanna got engaged i figured out i would even forget my idea of having no children, my nomadism (this one i was already cool with) and even figure out if i could live with the idea that she may not want to be vegan. i will never change on that. i rather suicide than eat animal cheese or eat animal meat but i live fine among people who eat it, after all. the feeling built into a panic attack. i guess some hours more of what i was experiencing and i would throw myself off a cliff. i knew what was going on. no one stay on that loophole forever. it will be sad knowing i won't have the opportunity to try out if we would work together. it's interesting because it's very dualistic. part of me accepts it's just a delusion, part of me treats it just like when i went hitchhike and volunteer or when i forgot the university path once again to work as a courier and maybe climb high mountains or when i asked my parents if i could learn and develop a video-game all by myself. it's a dream. an impressive one. she's so rich and her lifestyle reflects that so much. my parents belong to the upper class but it's a such a far cry. my education was: here's some money to buy some cheap but decent alcohol, have fun, we won't pay your taxi. find ride with your friends, use the bus (even if past midnight and where we lived, being a sparse bus opportunity that had probably a hour or more of extra walk) or cycle. we won't give you money so you can buy your cannabis or whatever. i never recieved allowance. i had to develop my fun on culture. they never negated buying books and even video-games but i pirate stuff since i discovered what's piracy. i still have a list of stuff i got of alive authors. i will pay them one day just fine. i'm no one right now. some pocket money selling handwired keyboards which by the raise of taxes and the proper socioeconomic status of most people, demand on Brazil is inexistent. money sucks. after all is a substantial part of being someone. i would never be able to build my blog and learn the stuff i know if my parents weren't chill about me playing life as a curious kid that has nowhere to go. i would feel so out of place being sugared by giovanna. i have enough pocket money to buy a bus ride for her and grains to eat and some tea to sleep and green tea to wake up by the morning on this walk. i guess she's not worried about time that much too. maybe i'm blatantly wrong. once i lived close to a billionaire for a month and i was impressed by their workload. maybe giovanna works hard for their family's business. i wondered if we had a future everyone has a decent-enough, simple pleasures would have high value, like washing with the stony sand your gaiwan and oat and chia pot by the river. after much cry i had the urge to start untangling this mess i made with myself. i gotta find friends. i guess i can at least wait till her marriage to not be hopeful (or better saying as Raduan Nassar's quote translated from another language and out of my memory: the smallest grab-able string of hope) anymore. i knew how to flirt on the streets. i used to question: do i have a chance to go on a date with you? to women cycling around. i guess i still can navigate a club or just intrude a group on a bar. maybe not anymore. friends are important. if anyone from my past reads this, please, speak up. i loved all of the people i hanged out with
don't you think i don't get impressed but the mysterious ways of life? the trail i took, was a route 1° developed by the indigenous then used by miners and even slaves. it's heck impressive to wonder the amount of people flowing on those back in the days. sometimes they get meters wide (now it's a thin 1-2 person space but marks and terrain flatness are there contrasting to the rest of the topography). the park has sites that are restricted only to scientists. some parts were never touched by any human. the ~ 20 kilometers of trail are an open sanctuary. the 1° 3 kilometers there, give access to a mountain. i saw a couple descending and 2 noisy guys up there. i was resting and i saw this guy passing by. initially i just said a silent hello by gestures but in a split of a second i look at him again and i smiled. we recognized ourselves almost instantaneously. a friend i used to hang out (even sleep on his house) from the 3° grade. we talked briefly about organics, bees, a friend from our mutual past and suicide. no one from our school suicide. his university was a quite different story. i joked i enrolled for a year on a private marketing university and for people suicide there they had to be quite unwell (lots of extreme rich people). he said something interesting, which actually inflected my previous paragraph, when he moved away from our school, he went into another one where we, were poor (his parents also belong to the upper class). "rather the christians from that school than the non-religious super rich". we exchaged our numbers. i think i have a friend to care or at least to try to. this walk is being interesting. i continued past the kilometer 3 and i only found a single soul alive the next day. no one at the trails. i couldn't spot P. onca footprint on the mud. i guess that would be too much of a luck. if i went away from the encounter alive. they are not aggressive or better saying: man-eater like other Panthera. it feels intimidating anyway. despite the chances of dying on the bus ride being bigger. maybe they saw me
every river crossing (there was a bunch), specially the ones i stopped to boil water to cook or drink, i cried. my heart is in pieces. i love my stove. you first prime it by opening the pressurized chamber and let it soak for 3 or 5 seconds (kerosene but it can be diesel or white gas), then you burn it down and after it starts to make a funny noise like it's coughing, you open the pressurized valvule again, so the liquid will go through a steel tube that now it's hot and turns it into vapor. it reaches the world through a nozzle of 0.xx mm in diameter. it sounds like a jet engine. it's hard to cook by. my version was made for being dumb-proof (low oxygen in your head, alpinist) and the heat output colossal. you gotta melt snow as fast as you can. GIOVANNA WE CAN COOK BEANS ON THE TINY PRESSURE COOKER. the cup gets red glowing hot and the flames are blue. it burns super clean, just like a kitchen gas stove. i'm amazed every time i use this little thing. look what type of plant i found when entering the forest to take a pee
this is not an ad. but Hawkins pressure cookers rock! from getting into the New York's Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) with their Futura desing, to the repair-ability of mine. i can explode the safety valve, replace the small piece on the spot with a plier and the silicone pressure gasket it's easy to find the diameter in any hydraulic shop. this pot went through a lot. 1.5 liters. i would buy one of 2 liters even if your solo. you never know when giovanna will arrive or when you can offer food to nice people on trails. i had my gaiwan with 6 tiny little cups to brew tea at the same container i would carry 1 tiny little pot for me (they stack)
i love this plant in the middle (i was heck tired at this point and mind you, Brazil doens't look cold but the night was humid and around 0 °C... my 4 season tent next to riverbeds without a good jacket or a sleeping bag aren't enough to stop the cold). i can't recall the name but once a geologist said to me this specimen are here since the age of dinosaurs
why do i declare myself atheist?
to not comply on most, if not everyone, thinking i'm complacent to religious organizations or collective beliefs (which on my opinion are pretty suggestive, specially as a tale passed from generation to generation)
i feel luck from getting interested in meditation around high-school. never talked about it to anyone. never talked about my depression. i never recieved a diagnostic and boy, my psychiatrist was good. she was so cool and smart. my life was falling down. everyone on that school, from people with financial aid to rich people already knowing what to do. i was sitting in between of everything in between. having to decide a profession for the rest of my life felt like a hallucinatory joke from the adult world but everyone was so serious about it that every day i entered the class, specially at the last year of high-school, i drowned. i had my 1° panic attack. was at parent's house, a dreadful feeling started to grow, soon i was spiraling in a tinnitus that started out of nowhere and one of my hydras was sure i would get into a psychotic state and suicide, without wanting because i didn't liked living but it wasn't that much. i never had psychosis. i'm sure i'm a lovefool. i managed to sit down at the living room (i was high of cannabis too), i played a documentary of a girl who cycled around Australia. it was hard. i was breating with all my attention, trying to push away any thought, while i payed attention to the screen. those trucks passing by the women were insane. tons and tons of Eucalyptus trunks being hauled. when she was questioned why she was doing this and she said something like "nothing like following your dreams" i burst in tears. the strange feeling was gone. i went to the psychiatrist the next day. mom insisted i stayed home after that and i was like: no, i'll go to school and face my demons among the civilization. in one of the last classes of the day, i started to feel bad and had a tunnel vision. was in a chemistry class (i liked my teacher, specially when we went to a trip to an island and by not having proper friendship with no one at that class, i stayed with the teachers and for the 1° time, there was no filters between us, so conversations were wild. i hated chemistry classes. maybe if we synthesized psychedelics and ingested them in the classroom i wouldn't. or maybe molecular gastronomy! if baking a bread isn't enough chemistry or lacto-fermenting food) and i had to get out with some justification i wasn't feeling well. at the hospital i received intravenous anxiolytic and after 2 seconds i started bursting in laugh. all my agony was gone. i was ready to rock the world. mom got mad. STOP IT, YOU LOOK LIKE A NUT. i controlled myself and after some sessions i was diagnostic with a generalized anxiety disorder. took meds for a year and then i quit on the 1° 3 weeks of my hitchhike trip (was already lowering it down to stop it). i never had any other panic attack. knowing what's going on and how to meditate is powerful poison. i was serious about my meditation. even went to Vipassana. let me type a funny story. i was in this program. 10 days, absolute silence. we woke ~ 4:30 with a bell i still amazed how silent it was and how it woke me every freaking day. i'm not a morning person. we couldn't look at the eyes of anyone there, couldn't talk, nadie. no computers, smartphones, books, notebooks, pens. zero distractions. 3 meals a day and various sessions of meditating on the temple and around 19:00 or 20:00 we reunited once again to listen to lectures about meditation. back in the days (Vipassana) sold themselves as an agnostic organization. on the 3° day they started to shovel Buddhism beliefs and i was bored. one of the days, i was at the boys dorm (because women and men had to be separated i don't know why but i would know how i would get distracted by those delicious smells of women treating their skin without makeup and other nasty stuff and just biodegradable soap. kidding i can't detect pheromones but i know their importance. decent decision if the demographic was 100% straight). so one of the guys farted. till, fine. then a 2° guy farted. and a 3°. funny but we didn't laughed but there was a shift in the breathing rate, we were at least smiling. i reunited power (i had to) and managed to fart too. then we laughed. probably echoed the whole area. it was on the middle of the rainforest. i love that absolute silence that's not silence but something else. on the 6° day i managed to find a pen, wrote stuff on the toilet papers and glued them on all the mirror of the bathroom. i flee away from the place with my backpack but had to return and ask the master to return my cybershot camera and my smartphone. i found the idea of trepassing their house (where all the electronic were) too much. he probably didn't knew about my little piece (i wrote the stuff and then leaved), just said i'm welcome back. i guess they would still accept me, we had a brief talk before the program started and i talked about my motives on leaving with that guy. he was pretty chill. i was 19 and everyone there was past their 30s. my toilet papers were questions and critiques about the organization agnosticism and Buddhism beliefs. i think it's fine to extract teology to yourself but don't start a religion. allow yourself to be amazed by what life is and is not or most importantly since we are typing about religion: what you can't prove. extras only with proper scientific replication and rigor. it gets over the border when you believe rice out of the fridge won't rot by saying nice words everyday... some institutions are still up with their million USD prizes if you can prove these bugigangas (there's nothing to do with giovanna but it's a cute word that reminds me giovanna) and little child stories. i believe and appreciate positive psychology. one of my favorite podcasts was run by a very prominent scientist that studied and made a bunch of research on the field
sometimes 2 megapixel can't take you very far. the top purple part is some abberration by the lenses, the orange part righ below it's a nebula. i don't know about astronomy so excuse me but it's something far away. pretty easy to spot in any more or less remote place. that was close to the highway but the place is distant enough of a big center. the 2 orange things at the right side are clouds. i walked 29.2 kilometers (would be more if i didn't got a rare hitchhike at the road that enters the park. it's quite long... one worker was leaving his night shift on his car. he took me into the nearby city), i climbed 811 and went 1718 meters downhill. had to access the park from the back of another park (where this photo was taken) because the guard didn't like i was arriving 22:00 and i never made that trail before. that cost me some kilometers. i spent 2 nights wondering around. i healed a bit
1° camping spot. finally i arrived. was around midnight. set camp, made rice, lentils, brew some tea and when i was at the 2° brew, already used to starlight, so it was me and the "dark". i remembered why i was there. i stopped what i was doing. i became myself. i cried. so much agony on realizing that after giovanna got engaged i figured out i would even forget my idea of having no children, my nomadism (this one i was already cool with) and even figure out if i could live with the idea that she may not want to be vegan. i will never change on that. i rather suicide than eat animal cheese or eat animal meat but i live fine among people who eat it, after all. the feeling built into a panic attack. i guess some hours more of what i was experiencing and i would throw myself off a cliff. i knew what was going on. no one stay on that loophole forever. it will be sad knowing i won't have the opportunity to try out if we would work together. it's interesting because it's very dualistic. part of me accepts it's just a delusion, part of me treats it just like when i went hitchhike and volunteer or when i forgot the university path once again to work as a courier and maybe climb high mountains or when i asked my parents if i could learn and develop a video-game all by myself. it's a dream. an impressive one. she's so rich and her lifestyle reflects that so much. my parents belong to the upper class but it's a such a far cry. my education was: here's some money to buy some cheap but decent alcohol, have fun, we won't pay your taxi. find ride with your friends, use the bus (even if past midnight and where we lived, being a sparse bus opportunity that had probably a hour or more of extra walk) or cycle. we won't give you money so you can buy your cannabis or whatever. i never recieved allowance. i had to develop my fun on culture. they never negated buying books and even video-games but i pirate stuff since i discovered what's piracy. i still have a list of stuff i got of alive authors. i will pay them one day just fine. i'm no one right now. some pocket money selling handwired keyboards which by the raise of taxes and the proper socioeconomic status of most people, demand on Brazil is inexistent. money sucks. after all is a substantial part of being someone. i would never be able to build my blog and learn the stuff i know if my parents weren't chill about me playing life as a curious kid that has nowhere to go. i would feel so out of place being sugared by giovanna. i have enough pocket money to buy a bus ride for her and grains to eat and some tea to sleep and green tea to wake up by the morning on this walk. i guess she's not worried about time that much too. maybe i'm blatantly wrong. once i lived close to a billionaire for a month and i was impressed by their workload. maybe giovanna works hard for their family's business. i wondered if we had a future everyone has a decent-enough, simple pleasures would have high value, like washing with the stony sand your gaiwan and oat and chia pot by the river. after much cry i had the urge to start untangling this mess i made with myself. i gotta find friends. i guess i can at least wait till her marriage to not be hopeful (or better saying as Raduan Nassar's quote translated from another language and out of my memory: the smallest grab-able string of hope) anymore. i knew how to flirt on the streets. i used to question: do i have a chance to go on a date with you? to women cycling around. i guess i still can navigate a club or just intrude a group on a bar. maybe not anymore. friends are important. if anyone from my past reads this, please, speak up. i loved all of the people i hanged out with
don't you think i don't get impressed but the mysterious ways of life? the trail i took, was a route 1° developed by the indigenous then used by miners and even slaves. it's heck impressive to wonder the amount of people flowing on those back in the days. sometimes they get meters wide (now it's a thin 1-2 person space but marks and terrain flatness are there contrasting to the rest of the topography). the park has sites that are restricted only to scientists. some parts were never touched by any human. the ~ 20 kilometers of trail are an open sanctuary. the 1° 3 kilometers there, give access to a mountain. i saw a couple descending and 2 noisy guys up there. i was resting and i saw this guy passing by. initially i just said a silent hello by gestures but in a split of a second i look at him again and i smiled. we recognized ourselves almost instantaneously. a friend i used to hang out (even sleep on his house) from the 3° grade. we talked briefly about organics, bees, a friend from our mutual past and suicide. no one from our school suicide. his university was a quite different story. i joked i enrolled for a year on a private marketing university and for people suicide there they had to be quite unwell (lots of extreme rich people). he said something interesting, which actually inflected my previous paragraph, when he moved away from our school, he went into another one where we, were poor (his parents also belong to the upper class). "rather the christians from that school than the non-religious super rich". we exchaged our numbers. i think i have a friend to care or at least to try to. this walk is being interesting. i continued past the kilometer 3 and i only found a single soul alive the next day. no one at the trails. i couldn't spot P. onca footprint on the mud. i guess that would be too much of a luck. if i went away from the encounter alive. they are not aggressive or better saying: man-eater like other Panthera. it feels intimidating anyway. despite the chances of dying on the bus ride being bigger. maybe they saw me
every river crossing (there was a bunch), specially the ones i stopped to boil water to cook or drink, i cried. my heart is in pieces. i love my stove. you first prime it by opening the pressurized chamber and let it soak for 3 or 5 seconds (kerosene but it can be diesel or white gas), then you burn it down and after it starts to make a funny noise like it's coughing, you open the pressurized valvule again, so the liquid will go through a steel tube that now it's hot and turns it into vapor. it reaches the world through a nozzle of 0.xx mm in diameter. it sounds like a jet engine. it's hard to cook by. my version was made for being dumb-proof (low oxygen in your head, alpinist) and the heat output colossal. you gotta melt snow as fast as you can. GIOVANNA WE CAN COOK BEANS ON THE TINY PRESSURE COOKER. the cup gets red glowing hot and the flames are blue. it burns super clean, just like a kitchen gas stove. i'm amazed every time i use this little thing. look what type of plant i found when entering the forest to take a pee
this is not an ad. but Hawkins pressure cookers rock! from getting into the New York's Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) with their Futura desing, to the repair-ability of mine. i can explode the safety valve, replace the small piece on the spot with a plier and the silicone pressure gasket it's easy to find the diameter in any hydraulic shop. this pot went through a lot. 1.5 liters. i would buy one of 2 liters even if your solo. you never know when giovanna will arrive or when you can offer food to nice people on trails. i had my gaiwan with 6 tiny little cups to brew tea at the same container i would carry 1 tiny little pot for me (they stack)
i love this plant in the middle (i was heck tired at this point and mind you, Brazil doens't look cold but the night was humid and around 0 °C... my 4 season tent next to riverbeds without a good jacket or a sleeping bag aren't enough to stop the cold). i can't recall the name but once a geologist said to me this specimen are here since the age of dinosaurs