now that i'm 20 years apart from my 10 y/o self i understand the moments i took my discman to listen to music on sunny days at the playground swing being much better than i predicted. i never enjoyed them as something i would remember in the future but as something really special happening right now. bob marley, tribalistas, u2, djavan, caetano veloso, cazuza. that day i saw a drone bee vanish into the blue of a clear sky thinking one day i'll have a girlfriend and i'll feel what these songs often talk about. the school was OK. i remember Pedro letting me walk around in Pokemon Fire Red on his Game Boy Micro. i loved watching him play. that pixel-art open world felt awesome. i thought the perfect video-game would be one which doesn't had battles. i thought those screens breaks to get into a turn-based fight so boring. i remember the day i counted to 100 for the first time while i jumped on my parent's bed. i remember when i found that Pokemon Emerald box hiding somewhere at the house and when i got my Game Boy Advance SP. it was hide in a small tree still alive. one of the games was inside a vase grandma had. i remember killing the final boss of Harry Potter and seeing the credits roll and think about mortality while my family was making food some rooms away. the decoration of dried plants grandma had on the living room always made me think about life. i remember when i looked at the sky seeing crepuscular rays and asked mom if that was god or when i had to consult a walkthrough guide to find where i had to go in Pokemon because i found dialogues boring and i never read them. that staircase we played a weird game named "big red", (i feel i already typed this) which Portuguese has a special grammar rule to unify big/small adjectives into the subject so they turn a single word. the synthetic degree of nouns. i hated Portuguese classes. at some point i hated school. was too much you know. take this delta, make this X, discover Y, evaluate words, read this literary masterpiece even when all you want is run around and chat with your friends. when me and Gabriel stood right at the division of a sunny day and a summer storm. we couldn't believe in what we were experiencing. that guy erased my > 99% LEGO Star Wars GBA save-game. i never said anything when he returned the lend cartridge, thought it could hurt our friendship. when Nanda (we played Neopets together sharing the same chair) asked to be my girlfriend at the 3° grade and i refused because i thought we were too young

i can't sleep for no specific reason and my chest started to hurt to think the day we had to build a fashion portfolio for the marketing university was 10 years ago. Ary was so sweet. the day we ate cannabis at the class and one of our friends came back to the bathroom perplexed because he forgot how to drink water from the water fountain. how i didn't enjoyed much that time. i was worried i was wasting a year because i was waiting my friend get some money so we could travel hitchhiking. i could never relax. i would never opt for marketing. maybe cinema or design or even worse: video-game development. next year i'll participate from the 2 day camp at the university hosting the global game-jam. maybe i'll have the guts and bring only a Pi Zero 2W saying i can do chiptunes in Csound. hire me! now that i'm 30 and i spent my 20s in a bedroom, i can't sleep properly. my dream is still baking on my hard-drive and there's no guarantee i'll be an adult with salary afterwards. i wish i was in a finisterre, where any expectations had no meaning and i could enjoy the ocean. i'm also working on a version of myself where i reject any attempt of Giovanna sending me an e-mail, just because she didn't cared about animal rights (i'll never let her know why i refused). a luqtas version which doesn't type to remember the maximum they can. soon these memories of my childhood will fade out. i'll sing with birds. gosh, i made part of my life public

sending messages on MSN Messenger to Jessica and level up together on Tibia killing hotworms. to have the feeling i finally met her physically when i used MDMA for the first time (used 3 times in my whole life). she was from another state but the girl i met on that club also liked to play The Sims. i never asked if she was her. what are the chances. what were the chances of calling Larissa's attention with that screen vibration action and making her realize i liked her. interesting to think (+20 years later) she liked another guy with the same name as me but never married him. he was my friend for some time. i still remember getting crushed by him on his birthday party in a LAN-house. i thought i was reasonable on Age of Mythology. my highlight was to beat the AI on hard mode 90% of the times. the online scene felt ridiculous. who waste that much time studying the meta and memorizing strategies to win. it wasn't a surprise my favorite video-game of my childhood was Dungeon Siege 1. that girl on the box cover was so freaking beautiful. green eyes. orc and any other monster slayer. knew nature and destruction magic but she nailed everything with her sword and shield. of course, the first ability point she trains is melee. who i'm to astray from her natural ability. i also miss UT2003. my favorite map was the pyramids and i had to cheat to beat the story mode. on my opinion the level design and the manual of that game was much more fun than the game-play itself. when sister came home for the first time, mom allowed me to skip school and i played on the computer the whole day. i could have 365 siblings